Yesterday. July 10th 2012, will go down in Akia history as the day I decided to stop making excuses for my selfishness. Yesterday I cried. Believe me when I say that I don't mean cute, barely there, I think this is what I'm supposed to be doing tears. I drove away from my job in silence. Thoughts about everything and anything clouding my head until it all slowed down. In all of the activity going on in my head at the time it paused on sex. Not unlike it has many times before.
But there's a lot different this time. I've just been blessed with a new job. I'm learning how to trust God to supply my needs and not worry. I've given my life to him in the most literal sense. Since the last time this word and string of actions dangling behind it appeared I'd decided to stop pretending that I know about God and really get to know him. I decided to get lost in him with reckless abandon.
Yesterday. It started with a single tear. The thought of, "Really God? You know I love you but do we have to have this conversation now?". The answer was yes. Driving down 521 in South Carolina in the rain we were about to have the conversation I have been putting off for years. Sex.
Yesterday. I cried uncontrollably while realizing the selfishness of my ways. How could I be a witness to how selfless God has been to me and not be the same to him? I felt guilty. I felt like a child who begs and begs for the things they want but doesn't do anything to deserve them. It pissed me off that I was so unable to give up one little thing for God. Yesterday I was outraged that for so many years I have put sex before him. Not in the sense of making sex an idol, but in making the excuses not to stop more important than my walk with him.
Yesterday. I realized that every excuse I made was a crutch. What if (insert name of any boyfriend at the time) got mad or left because I told him I wanted to be abstinent? What if he thought it was an excuse to go have sex with someone else? How would I know what it was like and if I could be with that person forever? What if I was in love? That has to count for something, right?
Yesterday was the day that it got too heavy. I've danced around this weight on my heart for so many years. Do you know what it feels like to have God place something on your heart? Do you know what it's like to ignore that feeling? I found out yesterday. You break. You cry for 30 minutes while the person in the next car stares at you like you've lost your mind.
Yesterday, I decided to abstain from sex until marriage. I won't make excuses to myself anymore because I realize that they are not only to myself but to God. I know it won't be easy but carrying that weight on my heart couldn't be an easier.
Yesterday, He finally got his point across.